Smooth Sailing

     The word for ship in Hebrew is made up of two parts: the word for "I" and the abbreviated name of God. Ideally, God guides the "I" through life like a propeller. In reality, people steer in their own direction. Our Hebrew teacher pointed out that ships and people are two things that are able to navigate without the use of lanes. A ship must negotiate between upper and lower streams.
      Last night I went to a class on "Teshuva," which literally means "turning around." It represents the repentance someone does before Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year. The word first appears in reference to Ishmael after he has been abandoned by his father Abraham in the desert. It is in the desert that Ishmael reflects upon his evil deeds and  begins to "turn around."  And in that moment of true repentance he is forgiven by God. If a person genuinely repents for even a moment, he will be forgiven, though there is no guarantee  that it will last. So how does a person know when they have done good Teshuva? When they are put in the same situation again and act differently.
     In Hebrew, a righteous man is compared to a date tree whose trunk has husks that zig-zag up towards the fruit. The righteous man diverges and returns, diverges and returns, forming the same shape.
     I find this momentary forgiveness and the image of the righteous husks very beautiful. Beautiful knowing the moment cannot last the lifetime. Beautiful knowing that I am not righteous for I have neither stayed true nor strayed, but meandered in some ambiguous pattern to nowhere. Beautiful knowing people bolder than I who have. You cannot be good by avoiding situations that test you.
      And I almost want to run into the streets
      and pick a fight with everyone I meet
      to feel society's great lattice  framework lifted from my brain
      so I can know what it is I really believe in
      and what directs me after all.